#autistic Battinson

[psychologeek]

Well.

I just realised I never explained it.

Well then.

(tw: mention of cancer. Bruce has Google-like medical knowledge. Lmk if need to add)

~

The Fears of a Father

Batman isn't worried.

Never.

He is the dark knight of Gotham.

He is The Night.

He is Vengeance.

Batman is superior to mortal concepts of fear, or worrying, or anything but the cold dedication of his mission. Not even pain could stop him.

But Bruce is human.

Bruce is human, even if he questioned it multiple times. Even as he uses the ways he is different, the ways he's always been different, to make people think he isn't human.

(Just like he used to think, before he found The Planet and the bunch of weirdos and a name, for once, and not feeling so alone so wrong anymore.)

Bruce is human, even if he struggles with the way others seems to think. Just because he can't name it, doesn't mean he is never consumed by the overwhelming FEELINGS, like a caged wolf. Just because his brain doesn't process pain properly, doesn't mean he isn't hurt.

And when he gets the phone call from his son kid, his little boy, it feels like he never left the abyss.

"B," the child on the phone panic. "B, am I going to die?"

No, screams the eight years old inside. No, not again.

And he's holding three pearls in his palm and he's covered in a heavy blanket cape and he keep his voice calm as he asks the dear child to describe everything that happend before he looked down and saw blood in the toilet.

"It's going to be okay, chum," he says calmly. "I promise."

(He never said this to the people he saved. He never make promises he can't fulfil himself. But this is a promise he'll keep. Come hell or high water, he'll make Constantine take him fight heaven and hell if that what it would take.)

"Did you get hurt today? Maybe something hit your kidney?" He questions the kid. "I won't be mad if you got into a fight, chum. But I need to know if we should call Leslie or an ambulance."

"Ambulance? I don't want ambulance!" The kid is now crying. "I thought it's just something that happens when you grow. What is it?"

"The medical term is Hematuria," Bruce fills him up as he think out loud. "Possible reasons are problem in your kidneys or other parts of the urinary tract, like injuries, infection, blood clot, glomerulonephritis, cancer—"

"NO! YOU TAKE THAT BACK! I DON'T WANT TO HAVE CANCER," Dickie cries on the phone. "I can't kill Tony Zucco if I have cancer."

"You can't keep kill Zucco," Bruce tries.

"Nuh-uh!" Sick stops crying. "I have cancer! You need to be nice to me because I'm going to die. And I get a wish because I have cancer. So I want to be Robin and kill Zucco and you can't tell me no!"

Bruce is pretty sure this isn't how it works.

But Dick stopped crying. So he let it be.

"I'm going to draw my costume so when you come back we can make it," the kid says and hang up on him.

But he has a kid to save.

How do one even starts looking for it?

If only there was a reliable person he can ask about raising a child. And maybe get some advices about how to prevent him from being a teen vigilante...

Someone with experience of raising a kid with unique talent, that can get out of the house no matter what...

Oh

Right.

And so the dark knight disappeared into the shadows, tracking down Superman in order to get any information contact ot the only person that could help him now:

Ma Kent.

~

In which we have autistic Battinson (but that's cannon), Dick is a drama queen, Alfred is not here TM

and asking Bruce about medical information is like asking Google (don't do that).

~

I don't know if you have/know toddlers, but where I grew up every year some parents got freaked out at their baby's first week in daycare, when they changed the diaper and saw blood in it.

Spoiler: bitterroot can make urine red/purple. (And so do some other things.)

Beware!

As a new parent, I decided B has to go through this jump scare.

Just as a treat 😄

I see many people spreading the "Battinson is our little meow meow we must protect" all over the Tumblr. But they focus on Bruce.

Because when it comes to Battinson's Batman- this man made goons sleep with lights on. He yoinked so many bones he could make two skeletons and put them in Gotham Academy for biology lessons.

He doesn't spread fear. He is fear.

Justice League would look upon him and be like "I'm so glad this man is on our side". Pure respect for his persona. Even slight fear. Until...

Batman: It took me half a night but I solved this case.

Justice League *in awe*: Right.

Batman: I have analysed the threat, discovered their real identities and estimated where they will next strike.

Justice League: Nice.

Emergency phone: *ringing*

Batman: Excuse me.

Batman: What's wrong, chum?

Batman: what do you mean batcave is on fire

Batman: but i left u food

Batman: you ate a full bowl of blueberries??

Batman: wdym Alf isn't home. where would he go?

Batman: Alfred will kill me :(

Batman: ... how 'bout Mr. Freeze gun. you can use it, right?

Batman: ... Alright, chum. Text me if it worked. I gotta go.

Batman *back to his Batman voice*: So. As I was saying. Their next target will be-

Justice League: ...????

[aeturnum-mendacacium]

Headcannon that Bruce never actually wanted to build a 'playboy persona', he's actually just a girls girl

[froglover7789]

battinson is great because he's so sad and autistic but can you imagine how great superbattinson would be??? clark would take one look at him and decide its his mission to take care of this absolute loser. bruce begrudging letting himself fall in love. bruce "i dont need help" wayne and clark "yes bitch you do" kent AUGHHHHH i am so unwell.

idk,,,,, just they would be so sweet and loving in the little ways i feel. theyd definitely argue a lot but like thats just par for the course with superbat tbh

[bruciemilf]

Tumblr is a quality killer

[feministkeanu]

Super weird thing for them to call bullshit on. I bet it happens more than people think. I had an IEP (special education services) all throughout school and literally didn’t realize I was autistic (like diagnosed and everything) until I was an adult, out of college AND started working in an education related area. I was like 26!

Suddenly I was like oooooooh. That makes sense. My parents were just very accepting. Don’t like loud parties, don’t go. Don’t like hugs, that’s fine. You want to collect the little plastic containers from the 25 cent toy machine (not the toys. The plastic bubbles they came in. I still have them), we’ll make you a shelf. Don’t like certain foods, that’s fine. They shall never touch your plate! I was allowed to go sit in the library during gym class cause it was just too much noise (ugh. The shouting. The people running around, the clothes. Ugh) And it just never came up. It’s not like the school tells the kid, they just make a plan and the parents have to go to all the meetings and agree to things. And then it went on so long my parents just figured I knew. I had sort of thought that like everyone learned how to interact in a social skills class, with like flash cards and books about it, and practicing faces in the mirror. The problem was I thought that everyone else had that class was just like really really good at it. And I struggled. Which was hard cause I was EXCELLENT at school. I felt like a failure. So it was actually a big relief when I figured it out.

It also finally made sense why I wasn’t suspended for some the (in hindsight) really weird stuff I did. Like I filled a girl’s locker with crickets, I pulled the fire alarm (twice), I spent a whole class year refusing to sit in my desk and instead sat on top of it (I can’t remember why. Something about the seat being slightly bent somewhere). In the first grade I kept trying to punch kids who cut in line in the cafeteria (the rules say no cutting in line!!) Just all kinds of slightly off stuff. Yay for federal protections of people with disabilities! Kept me in school for sure.

Gonna have to call bullshit on your autistic cousin story. Did he seriously never wonder why he was homeschooled

I mean, first of all I never said he was homeschooled. (But you are right. He was homeschooled for a portion of his life.) Second of all, that post was about Battinson, not my cousin. There’s a reason I didn’t give you his life story.

Third of all, random stranger on the internet, he wasn’t even homeschooled because he was autistic. They traveled a lot when he was a kid, and he had a ton of allergies that made attending public/private school difficult (as is common in many autistic people.) So they pulled him out.

Love the enthusiasm, but who would lie about that?

Chill out buddy, have a Capri-sun <3

[morgangalaxy43]

Battinson is the most autistic coded version of Bruce Wayne (every Batman is autistic but Battinson has the most autistic vibes)

[mylifeisfruk4ever]

"What the fuck?"

Selina felt that those three words were enough to describe her whole relationship with Bruce Wayne. First as Batman, then as Bruce.

She had thought there might be something between them. Luckily it had passed, and a weird friendship had developed between them. Which might make some people turn up their noses since she was a thief and he was a vigilante but Bruce hasn't been so uptight lately and as long as Selina didn't kill and steal only who deserved it, they were fine.

Still, what the heck?

"Oh, Brucie is growing up," Harley said, all too pleased.

She was upright on the bed, while Pamela sat on the other side trimming her nails, seemingly ignoring the ongoing conversation.

Fuck house arrest for both of them. Why had she accepted? Oh yeah, they were friends.

Alsp, Bruce hoped that with her, Pamela and Harley could direct their impulses towards more correct forms of fighting for their principles, without involving innocent people.

So far it wasn't going to be great, but at least Harley had dumped her clown ex, for good this time, so it was a win.

(Probably more thanks to Pamela than her, but details.)

"Let me get this straight…you, mister, I don't look anyone in the face and if you talk to me for more than five minutes I'll start crying, you want….I can't believe I'm about to say it…learn how to seduce a man."

"Exactly," Bruce replied, as he petted one of Selina's cats.

"Just…why?"

"Who cares?" Harley broke in.

"He finally wants to step outside his boundaries! You have my respect!"

"It's not about going outside my boundaries. It's about planetary security."

"Really?" Selina said, half joking.

"Superman is powerful enough to destroy the planet."

This knocked Harley over, and Pamela finally stopped pretending not to pay attention.

Selina didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or slap him on the head, "Do you want to seduce Superman?!"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"To discover his weaknesses and use them against him when his powers drive him insane."

"Wow, talking about trust issues," was Harley's comment.

"I like to be prepared," Bruce said.

"What did the boy scout do to make you fear that he might become world dictator at the slightest provocation?"

The man pouted adorable, and grumbled. Selina still wasn't an expert at translating each other's mumbling but she swore it was something like smiling too much, and I don't trust him, he's got something to hide.

Harley said, "Isn't Superman having an affair with that reporter? Lois Lane?"

"She is General Lane's daughter. A close relationship is not advisable."

"She seems to know him well. Why don't you ask her?"

"She wouldn't answer me, so as not to betray him. Everyone says he's a hero."

"And you obviously don't believe it," Selina suspected.

"No."

"What makes you think he might be interested in men?" Selina asked him.

Harley laughed, "Cupcake, no completely straight man would wear pants that tight."

"Same conclusion I came to."

Oh good. The fate of the world was entrusted to a pair of tight trousers.

"Besides, I've done some research on him, and I might be his type. At least physically. What I lack is the ability to seduce him to lower his defenses and believe me harmless."

"Ability you think we have?" Selina asked, not sure whether to feel offended or not.

"Gotham is very sexist," Bruce said.

"You did your best to manipulate men who thought they knew better."

Pamela smiled, "I'm liking this one."

“I told you Brucie's one of the good ones,” Harley genuinely smiled as she said it.

"And he's a weirdo, like us."

Selina wanted to moan. This is what happens when you make friends with strange vigilantes. She said, "So Superman has a thing for brunettes. Good to know. Have you thought about what to do in case your brilliant plan fails?"

"It won't fail," he said confidently.

"You don't know," she insisted, trying to give him some common sense. A futile undertaking, it was Bruce she was talking to.

"Superman is overconfident. He will fall into the net."

"Definitely not dressed like that honey," Harley commented, taking a long look to Bruce.

"What's wrong with the way I'm dressed?"

"You look like a creepy stalker," Selina said. Army jacket, hat, scarf to cover her face and mascara for her eyes. Bruce was a walking fashion insult. They're definitely going to have to fix his wardrobe, make him wear things that flatter his body and…

Oh god, she was totally on board with that plan, right?

Read more

[puppetmaster13u]

Prompt 243

You know what would be a hilarious friendship? Battinson and Fright Knight. 

Scrungly wet cat boy with giant beast of a dude. Who meet because their respective charges wanted to go to the park and they are weak to said charges’ puppy eyes. Or equivalent. 

They aren’t entirely sure how they became friends, but it might have something to do with Bruce’s social awkwardness and Frigh- er- Kerian “Rian” Knight- still re-learning how to human. And their wards both climbing on top of the swings and getting stuck. That might have something to do with it as well. Along with them being in the same class. 

[amourlyns]

❛ HEY VENGEANCE. ❜ ➜ ⁽ masterlist ⁾

✧ 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕: in which the reader meets bruce wayne at a gala, the riddler is rampant in the city. and this gala is his next target. part one of two.

✧ 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: mentions of alcohol consumption, and drugs. bruce is vv emotionally repressed, he’s got problems ok?

✧ 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒔: 🦦 this is pattison’s batman influenced by matt reeves (the batman.) no use of y/n, pov switches to bruce twice in this fic. listen to 〞thank god for the rain 〞 by bernard herrman for ambiance.

⟡ ⠀ | Gotham is well (…) an odd city. An odd city with slick—tongued alley cats who roam and lurk at each corner, merging with the shadow and watching passerby dance and speak in hypnotic tongues.

You liked to call it the Gotham effect, it comes with the city of sin and crime. It’s odd, like you stated before. There’s the occasional glitz and glamor of wealthy Gothamites, galas laced with cocaine pearls and wine filled bottles (…)

Accompanied by champagne flutes and hors d’oeuvre’s to indulge in for the night.

And within this false sense of normalcy and entitlement, there’s the night. The Gotham better known for its crime and vigilantes. You see, everyone in Gotham is acting. The key to understanding it all in Gotham is the rhythm.

The people are the rhythm, the day is the rhythm. The night is the rhythm. And within this element of rhythmic chaos, there’s always something lurking. Watching the city underneath light polluted skies and charcoal clouds. When the smog seems to clog up your lungs and choke your breathing, there’s always something else to worry about.

The Batman, of course.

If anything, he highlights what Gotham is at the core. A broken city, deeply scarred and angry. Scratching at its surface to be heard. To be healed. Has Gotham always been seeking justice and light? Or is it seeking something much more carnal and sinister (…) Vengeance? A certain greed?

Whatever it was, it spoke to Gothamites. Hate the Bat, or love the Bat. He spoke for the city of Gotham, and he would always be there at every corner, watching.

Gotham is sick and venal.

You hope for the day of a real rain to come and wash off the scum from the streets. For now, it’s the Bat who takes care of the illness. Could 〞 it 〞 save Gotham?

Maybe.

It’s silly thought anyways, Gotham has been plagued with crime for decades. Some masked vigilante wouldn’t be able to stop that regardless. The thought is flimsy and useless. Something made out of hope and optimism, the kind of thing you consume in dreams. Not only that, but the Batman is more of a fable, a myth.

Besides, there was no use in consuming yourself with thoughts of Gotham and its nightly specter. For now, you’re here, at another Gala— with the same diluted faces and the same twisted smiles. Then night moves on in an odd distorted way, a blur even.

The man who snaps you out of this daze is Bruce Wayne. Gotham’s Prince, the man of the hour. You could only wonder what caused this recluse to emerge out of the manor he calls home. Unlike other notable people in Gotham, Bruce Wayne chooses to live a quiet life shrouded in mystery.

When he does remove himself from the confines of the manor, and the tabloids simply go into a frenzy. Like sharks during a feeding. It feels like everyone in Gotham wanted a piece of Bruce Wayne. Craving a flesh they surely don’t deserve.

Something tells you to draw closer to the oddity, like this would be the only time you’d be able to lay your eyes on Bruce Wayne in the flesh. So, you might as well take the opportunity to really take him all in.

Wayne eventually loses the limelight. The audience dies and you decide to pass through the sea of bodies that separate you two. He notices this of course, ever so vigilant. Some part of you expects him to flee and avoid the confrontation all together. Wary hues remain fixated on your figure slipping through the crowd.

Surely he isn't waiting (…) Right ?

Apparently he wasn’t, not like you knew of course. Bruce Wayne was a hard man to decipher after all, you couldn't tell if something compelled him to stay or if that kept him still.

For the first time tonight, you're accompanied by someone else. It'd off to say the least, Bruce is certainly a presence to behold, sure. But he wouldn't even spare a glance at you, you gaze eventually follows his line of sight.

Now? Now, all eyes are set on beacon in the sky now. The symbol of the night.

Batman is called by the city tonight, needed in the shadows once more. You could only wonder what for. You’re not one for new and tabloids but, there has been some discussion about the 〞 Riddler. 〞

Gotham’s newest deranged lunatic villain.

The man was terrifying, you’ve seen the footage. You've seen the terror and heard the screams. So how was the Batman going to save the city now? The thought of Gotham coming to its own demise (…) it was bound to, the city hasn’t had hope in a long time. You knew that very well.

Now what was he thinking? Did the Wayne believe in the Bat? In Vengeance, and his own crusade. Before you can even ask the question, he’s turning away. Maybe he’s had enough of your company for tonight.

❛ MISTER WAYNE, WAIT. Before you go, I’m just (…) curious about this one thing━━ IT’S THIS (…) BAT. VENGEANCE, do you really think he can protect the city ? Save Gotham ? His motives just seem so unclear. He’s menacing, almost reminds me of the Riddler. It’s all about vengeance, no ? Whether it’s about the city or people who’ve wronged you. ❜

Bruce does not turn back around to face you, instead he turns his head. Adjusting his gaze to you and the symbol in the night, it shifts. Once, twice than thrice. His face is unreadable. Typical.

He wants to speak, you know that much. Yet he doesn’t, for whatever reason. Bruce chooses to stare right through you.

You let him.

He doesn’t owe you a response, you know that much. Before you know it, he’s gone.

𝙱𝚁𝚄𝙲𝙴 𝚆𝙰𝚈𝙽𝙴’𝚂 𝙿𝙴𝚁𝚂𝙿𝙴𝙲𝚃𝙸𝚅𝙴 𝙾𝙵 𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙶𝙰𝙻𝙰. A FEW HOURS BEFORE YOUR ENCOUNTER (…)

⟡ ⠀ | THE CITY IS QUIET TONIGHT. Unlike any another night, the city streets are deserted, emptied if you will. It’s all because of the recent attacks by the Riddler. There’s a few stranglers of course, sticking near the shaded roads and corners.

There’s a gala tonight, Alfred informed me on that. He wanted to me to attend because I needed to 〞 maintain 〞 my appearances for the sake of my family’s reputation and legacy. I only agreed because it would be the perfect opportunity to watch the city through civilian eyes. And give me an advantage.

The suit is less than ideal. Tight, stuffy and constricting.

Alfred is in the middle of fixing my tie when he tells me I look like my father.

I do not reply to that.

I stare into the mirror. Taking the time to analyze my polished appearance, Alfred fixes my tie and hands me my father’s cuff links once more. Now he’s watching me closely, too closely. Like I’ll break and shatter because he mentioned my father.

My face must’ve given my thoughts away, Alfred is quick to place his hand on my shoulder. Giving it a squeeze. My eyes dart between his hand and his face.

There’s that (…) sympathy again, or was it regret? Sometimes the two emotions blur and mix, all into one.

I should be kinder to Alfred.

If I could vocalize it, I would. But it comes out all raw, sore and achy. Like I’m forcing the kindness out of me. If only I could— could verbalize this gratitude. I would—

My chest throbs at the guilt. I grimace. Alfred seems to get it somehow, he can see the apology in my eyes. He lets me go for the time being, I insist to drive myself. He obliges.

The arrival is dreadful. The lights are too bright and there’s too many eyes on me. Voices ring out, calling out my name— Gothams Prince, Wayne, Mister Wayne, Bruce Wayne. They chant to me. The media swarms me like flies, and questions flood after.

I hardly keep my head above the water, I’m practically drowning. The only thing that keeps me going is that light in the sky.

The signal.

The media disperses, shifting towards the beacon of light that brands the sky tonight. From my peripheral view, I see something moving closer to me. Slipping through the sea of people. Their destination is to me. My gaze remains fixated on the bat-signal.

I have to go.

The figure besides me shifts, eyeing me down every now and then. I decide to take my leave.

❛ ❛ MISTER WAYNE, WAIT. Before you go, I’m just (…) curious about this one thing━━ IT’S THIS (…) BAT. VENGEANCE, do you really think he can protect the city ? Save Gotham ? His motives just seem so unclear. He’s menacing, almost reminds me of the Riddler. It’s all about vengeance, no ? Whether it’s about the city or people who’ve wronged you. ❜ ❜

Their words capture me for a few moments. I still. Letting the words settle into my mind. I can’t find it in me to look at them.

WHEN I LEAVE, it seems like the city mocks me. It feels like the rain corrodes my kevlar. The frigid rain seems to sink through bone marrow and nip away at skin. There’s a ferocious wind in Gotham tonight, the rain drenches everything in a torrential downpour.

Storm drains are filled and plugged, creating miniature oceans in the road.

When I arrive, the commissioner informs me on the recent developments of the Riddler. He has plans for tonight, and another letter written for me.

An explosion goes off that night.

[pansexualhousecat]

Dick: *trying really hard to sing good at the family monthly karaoke night*

Jason: you sound like an actual fucking clown trying to sing.

Dick: oh yeah? are clowns usually this sexy, then?

Tim, putting his noise cancelling headphones on: yeah, they have the same 0 level of sexiness as you. so you are on the same level.

Damian: i believe he sounds more like a muppet trying to be a clown and failing.

Dick: why do you hate me.

Duke: it's ok, dude, some people are into clowns.

Cass: and muppets.

Bruce, sighing: i'm going to sing my chemical romance.

[mo-mode]

Yes, this is Selina and Battinson. No, I will not explain myself rn. Thank you and GOODNIGHT

[emo-batboy]

Things Battinson Totally Did During His First Year of University

Using Unhinged or Odd Things I Also Did as a College Freshman :D

Note: for this list, let’s believe Bruce was living in an (admittedly expensive and swanky) dorm because it is required for first-years, especially those entering at a young age, and Alfred told him he needed to make friends. Also yes I did every single thing on this list. I never claimed to be a role model

Bruce, to his TA: I’m so sorry I’m late to class. I gave blood a few hours ago and almost fainted on the way here, but it won’t happen again.

Signs up for a class called “Age of Dinosaurs” despite it not being required whatsoever and proceeds to work his entire schedule around it

Bruce: Your mental health is super important. If you think you should see the on-campus therapist, go see them. Friend: Fine. I’ll sign up for therapy if you sign up for therapy too. Bruce: Hold on-

Finds a loophole in his housing contract that allows him to get a pet frog, calls him kermit :)

Gets a second frog because Kermit was lonely, names it Constantine after Muppets Most Wanted, then realizes that they’re gay for each other. Wonders if the rainbow-colored rocks he got them triggered anything

Swings dramatically between calling Alfred every single day and ghosting him for weeks, cries when he realizes what he did

“Accidentally” joins the student body council, doesn’t know what he’s doing, gets re-elected anyway

Molds a dragon out of Laffy Taffy instead of doing his work

Bruce: *joins Honors, gets all A’s, takes the max amount of classes, has several minors, overachieves* Also Bruce: I’m a failure.

Breaks into a building after hours to study because NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AT THE LIBRARY

Bruce: I will not get seasonal depression this year. Bruce: *gets real and seasonal depression that year*

Meticulously schedules his day with a color-coded planner because if he sits down for too long, the thoughts will consume him

Gives a presentation to his rhetoric class on how much he likes Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse (it is 20 minutes long)

Successfully allocates funding from the student body council to pay for free feminine products in the dorms OUT OF SPITE because someone said it couldn't be done. fuck you, Andrew

Bruce: It is not an all-nighter if I go to sleep before my first class. Friend: It is 7:30am, the sun is in the sky, and your first class is at 12:30. Bruce: But I am getting sleep.

Refuses to go anywhere without his backpack because what if he needs three notebooks at once

Loses over 20 pounds because ✨stress✨ and scares the shit out of Alfred when he comes home for Thanksgiving

Argues with his TA over the one (1) question he got wrong on his Dinosaur exam

Bruce, calling Alfred: Hello father figure. How do I do taxes? Do I have to do them myself? Also, I think I’m having a panic attack.

Joins in on a charity arts-and-crafts project that gives kids books with matching activities made by volunteers, proceeds to commandeer the project because “it’s not color-blind friendly” and rewrites the instructions for everyone

Makes a murder wall

Goes to one (1) sports game and proceeds to leave in the first ten minutes because it’s way too loud wtf is wrong with people

Professor, addressing the lecture hall: I dare you to write an essay about these two sentences. Bruce: *writes an essay about six words, gets a 100, never even read the book*

Crawls into the ceiling for some alone time

Ghosts someone after a date because he’s too scared to tell them he didn’t know it was a date in the first place and now he feels bad

Classmate: How tf does he walk across campus that fast? I go in the same direction he does on my bike, and he’s always ahead of me. Bruce: *is gay sprinting to Dinosaur class*

Refuses to let others use his Favorite Pen TM

Constantly gets mistaken for a Grad Student because he is “so wise and mature” (bestie, that’s the autism)

Alfred: *casually mentions he got into a car accident through text* Bruce: *replies with a meme while hyperventilating because he doesn’t know what to do with that information??!*

Wears a suit to one of his finals

Regularly eats non-organic food for the first time in his life, proceeds to learn about several allergies Alfred forgot to mention he has

Writes “What is a Hot Pocket?” in calligraphy and proceeds to laugh his ass off alone in his dorm because he is so exhausted he’s reached the point of delusion

Locks himself out of his dorm right before class, frantically asks the floor group chat if someone can help, proceeds to tell the nice gay man on the floor who saved him “I love you” because his social skills have hit rock bottom

Makes a little music album display next to his desk for his favorite band (Nirvana) His friends call it a shrine, and they are technically correct

Has a blacklist of people he refuses to interact with because Reasons

Counselor: What do you want to do when you graduate? Bruce: *gestures vaguely*

Refuses to take the bus because there are people in there and he doesn’t like those

Loses one of his frogs, how tf did he do that, they’re fully aquatic, oh fuck, this is probably why they got rid of that loophole a year later because unbeknownst to Bruce, he accidentally started a frog revolution in the dorms, btw he SWEARS he did not mean to do that

Has two trash cans in his room: one for the Good Garbage, and one for the Bad Garbage. Only Bruce knows which is which

Bruce: *writes a creative piece about a ship’s final thoughts as it sinks, bringing its passengers down with it* TA: Absolutely lovely, Bruce, but are you okay?

Goes on Night Walks, keeps himself safe by maintaining a level 12 resting bitch face at all times

Earns the nickname “8th floor cryptid” after pacing the halls at 3am when it’s too cold for Night Walks (honestly tho how tf didn’t he get the nickname earlier?)

Bruce: Do you think a depressed person could do this? Bruce: *has a manic episode*

Okay that's all love you BYE

[shihoerusu]

Inspired by a incorrect quote; @oceanview15

[science-lings]

Extra details bc polls have a character limit and I am a certified yapper

1- Naturally quiet Bruce my beloved, selectively mute even. He knows he's bad at words and if he doesn't know what to say he just doesn't say anything at all and that is not good for being a decent communicator. Thankfully Cass doesn't need words to know, so they just hang out without saying a single thing.

2- Brucie is who he is when he HAS to interact with people and HAS to come off as 'normal' and it has never been who he really is. Also, this guy fixates on strategizing and some of the most random things with the excuse that it could be useful at some point, he has trouble in social and emotional situations. Yes, Battinson opened my eyes to this concept and I am not letting it go.

3-As much as I like the masks having glowing white lenses, I need them to put makeup on each other for crime-fighting reasons. Battinsons raccoon eyes are so important to me. I want to see him carefully putting some green eye makeup on a hyperactive 9 yo Dick Grayson RIGHT NOW

4-Titus and Ace have gone through therapy dog training (specifically for PTSD) and the rest are only qualified because they make Damian feel better, they don't actually get much special treatment. He just likes introducing people to his emotional support cow/turkey/bat-dragon-demon creature/ Alfred (cat).

5- I think canonically he can cook and the joke is that haha he needs Alfred to do everything for him but like this guy went alone off the grid for years and can in fact take care of himself or at least his basic health needs. The thing is that when he cooks he gets distracted while things are cooking and forgets to put on timers. He just puts food low on the scale of things that are important to pay attention to so if anything comes up to take his attention he's screwed. He works better if he's part of a group of people cooking or there's someone there to tell him to pay attention.

6- I think while the Waynes were alive, Alfred was mostly pretty distant, he was part of the staff even if he was one of their favorites. He wasn't Bruce's nanny or anything. But he was trusted by them and they didn't trust any other family to take care of Bruce in the event of their death. Even after the Incident, Alfred wasn't really prepared to raise a child, I feel like we always make Alfred the emotionally intelligent one when he mostly raised Bruce post-horrific trauma. I don't think Alfred is perfect, I think there was always that barrier keeping him and Bruce from really connecting during his childhood.

Bruce saw everyone leave, his parents, the rest of the staff, and he is convinced that one wrong move means that Alfred will leave him too so he doesn't want to do something wrong and drive his last person away. Even though he is a traumatized child filled with rage, every time it becomes too much and he gets into a fight or breaks something he is terrified that means Alfred will find someone else to take care of him. Slowly this fear fades but it comes back when he turns 18 bc that's when he becomes an adult which means Alfred won't be obligated to stick around. But it comes and goes and Alfred is... still there? It's only at this point that he starts to think of Alfred as part of his family and over the years he actually allows himself to think of Alfred as his father.

7- I don't think I have to explain this one, I think he has a weird relationship with sex and will seduce people for the Mission but has never been particularly into it. Sometimes he does it because that's what his partners want but if no one asks for it or there's no outside reason to do it, he has better things to do. Maybe he's even uncomfortable with it but can do it to keep up pretenses and because that's what Brucie would do.

8- I think the big scary vampire-coded vigilante should take off his big scary cape and wrap it around his kids and carry them off into the night. It's good for people going into shock as well. I think it is secretly very warm. It is also a good hiding place for robins of a certain size. Full-grown Jason would have trouble hiding there but its blanket use is still fully applicable.

9-We typically only see the big cavern with all the vehicles and the batcomputer but I think it would be fun if that was just the Hub of the cave system. There are tunnels that lead to labs and rooms made for the creation and upkeep of armor and other vigilante wear, there are quarantine rooms and containment vaults, target ranges and a surgery center and so much more. It is a labyrinth in there and there is always a new section being worked on. There is also a tunnel that leads to the Drake residence which made it especially easy for Tim to sneak home when he needed to.

10- how is this 40(?) yo man doing the splits while fighting, he does flips, how is he moving like that. He's not just a big strong guy, he's also fast and evasive and I like to think that aside from the lack of quips, he did a pretty good job convincing ppl he was Nightwing that one time.

[bruciemilf]

I just watched some chaotic moments from The Great British Bake Off and I desperately, desperately want a cooking competition AU where Bruce is just this little agent of adorable chaos

It still takes place during the pandemic, so the contestants must bake from their own kitchens. If course, formalities aside, this is national television and people still want to look their best.

Bruce? He shows up in his fancy little robe with a Nirvana shirt under, hair a bird's nest from taking a clinical nap, but somehow still fluffy, some smudged eyeliner still drying under his eyes. The very definition of a hot mess.

Alfred is clearly seen face-palming behind him and Bruce is very oblivious to it. He's just fighting for his life trying to smear frosting on his little cupcakes.

The cupcakes are literally melting in his hands and he's like " That's good enough, isn't it?"

" No, you fuckin' muppet--"

" Mr. Pennyworth, no swearing please"

" Oh I'm sorry. What's next, forbid me from breathing?"

Bruce is such a spoiled brat and everyone has such a good time watching him pout at Alfred to do the work for him. Sometimes the judges just fail him to watch him pout and throw a little tantrum

Of course, little Dick Grayson is there to help (read: Make things harder for Bruce) as much as he can.

Which includes napping on his dad's shoulder, occasionally waking up when Bruce needs a taste tester. Bruce makes the news all because his little sweetheart eating cake from his hand half asleep

Bruce and Alfred have a bigger challenge; Trying to hide Batman.

[Bat screeching from the cave]

Bruce, looking straight to the camera: Ignore that

[imnotfinebutimfine]

batman didn't even mean to beat up all those guys in the nightclub he just got in there and it was way too loud